Soul Searching...

Ok. I decided back before the New Year that I was going to write on here and let everyone know what’s going on in my life. However, with Rebekah being pregnant again, that has been somewhat difficult. When I did get free time, I didn’t feel much like writing (actually, writing is what I do for a living and I was only able to muster so much of it in one week).

Today, I’m feeling more like writing and so hopefully this will be the start of a trend.

Even so, it is not my life that I am going to write about, exactly. It is a question. Perhaps you can all offer a little input. Some of you are dear friends, and I don't get to talk to you much anymore, but I do value your thoughts and insights.

I’ve had a burning in my heart for a closer relationship with the Lord. I’ve had some great times of study, and my prayer life has even improved, but it’s still not as intimate as I want it to be.

I opened my Bible to this passage, today:

Psalm 63:1-8
1 O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is;
2To see thy power and thy glory, so as I have seen thee in thy sanctuary.
3 Becaise thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee
4 Thus will I bless thee while I live: I will lift up my hands in thy name.
5 My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips:
6 When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.
7 Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice.
8 My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me.

I realize that David wrote this while he was in the wilderness of Judah, but who among us hasn’t find his or herself in the wilderness of Flathead Valley, Alaska, Tennessee, Texas (boy is there a lot of wilderness in Texas), or wherever it may happen to be?

My point is that David’s physical body probably yearned for water. He was in a desert. Even so, it was not water but God for whom David thirsted the most.

Was it just because he was in trouble? Was it just because he was in distress? Because he lacked answers? Because nothing was the way he thought it would be?

The fact of my life is that I live in place where the cost of living is high, but the cost of living in the modern age is even higher (spiritually speaking). I’m not wealthy—in fact, by government standards in the Flathead Valley, I’m living below the median income deemed appropriate for a couple with children—but, really, I have everything that I need and a whole lot more. God has blessed my family, and just about everything that we would like to have has been within reach—if not immediately, then after several months of saving.

Yet, I find myself thirsty for something more than what money can buy.

I’m not happy with who I am. At least, I'm not content with my present self, either spiritually or as a husband, father and friend.

I read something last week that got me thinking. It said that we need to teach our children that people are more important than things. It kind of hit me, because when I don’t know if that’s something I have shown my children.

When I’m working, working comes first. When I’m right in the middle of a playing a game with friends, I don’t stop to give them attention but usually tell them to wait until I’m done. In fact, it’s only when I tell myself that I am going to devote my time and energy to my children for the next hour or so that I really give them the attention I should.

Why is it so hard to stop what I’m doing and be a dad?

But it’s not just being a dad to my children (or a husband to my wife, when—or even before—she asks me to do something for her). What about my time with God?

I’m not saying that I don’t pray and spend time with God, but I’m beginning to realize that my time with God is a lot like my time with my wife and children. I give Him time when it is convenient for me. I talk to Him when I feel like talking to Him, or when I need something, or when I tell myself that I’m going to do it at such and such a time.

Now that I think about, it's kind of a pet owner mentality. You know how pets are. You like having them around, but you don't think about them unless they're up in your face (and even that is sometimes annoying, so you brush them aside, because that is not what you are wanting right then) or they are making a mess (in which case you get after them), or you are in the mood for their companionship (in which case, you are glad they are there).

Ok, I don't get after God for making messes or anything (even if He does change my plans from time to time without consulting me first), but He does get up in my face from time to time in order to get my attention (whether or not I happen to be focused on something else at that particular moment). ...What a sobering thought about my relationship with God and others!

And then, I look at David. David said, “early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.” David said, “my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips, when I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.” He boldly declared, “My soul followeth hard after thee!”

Don’t think I’m being all sappy or anything, but I do love on my wife constantly. Ask her. I tell her all the time that I love her and how desirable she is to me—even if I don’t always give her the kind of attention that she wants, when she would like me to do something for her but I make her wait until I’m ready to do it.

Why don’t I feel that way about God, and more? I really do love Him and acknowledge my continual need for Him, but I can’t honestly say that my soul follows hard after Him. Is it just me? Does anyone else lament the same discontentment with the lack of intimacy and passion in their spiritual life?

I’m not just saying this because I’m a pastor. I’m a man—a human being. I don’t look at my congregation as though I were above them. In fact, some of them have been serving the Lord a lot longer than me, and I try to learn from them before I go preaching to them.

What I’m saying is that I just to know the intimacy that David felt in his relationship with God. I want to pursue Him as passionately as the Shulamite pursued Solomon.

Relationships ARE the most important and fulfilling aspect of this life. They ARE more important than work or play or whatever else we put first when we are being selfish with our time and attention.

Some people are born valuing those relationships above all else. For you, perhaps intimacy with God comes easy.

Some of us never really enjoyed that kind of intimacy or value of relationship with others—not even with our immediate family. How do we, then learn to enjoy that intimacy, if we cannot first experience it with Christ? We’re not children anymore (sometimes selfish, but teachable). We’re adults (far too selfish and no often set in ways).

How do we learn to do what Mary did, valuing nothing in the world more than the few moments that we have with Him—hanging on every word that He speaks to us as though it were the most necessary thing in life. In truth, it is!

It is as necessary to our souls as food and water is to our physical bodies. It is essential to our enjoyment of every aspect of the present life, both personally and interpersonally.

Dear Lord, forgive me my selfish focus. Grant me intimacy with Thee, that I might understand the importance and value of my relationship with those around me. May those friendships and familial bonds be spiritual, unselfish, a place of safety and contentment where we may encourage one another in the greatest intimacy of all. May my soul follow hard after You, more than anything else in this life, that I may in all my relationships, like David, declare, ‘Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the man that trusteth in Him."

Dear friends, I thank you for letting me open and share my heart with you. Forgive the length of this post, but please do share your own thoughts with me on this subject.

Sincerely,

Brother Doran